


Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

by mysonny (orphan_account)



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Trade, Why communicate if you can struggle instead?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:15:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22258576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/mysonny
Summary: Lindsey and Sonnett struggle with the trade and their communication through-out
Relationships: Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett
Comments: 7
Kudos: 133





	1. Lindsey

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so bear with me.

Pre-season had begun while she was at the She-Believes-Cup. With Olympic qualifying and the Cup, she was pretty occupied and didn’t have a second to slow down. In the little down-time she had in the last two months she had made sure to set appointments and spend time with her family. As little time off as possible. She had needed to be doing something at all times. She couldn’t let herself think. She couldn’t let her thoughts or worse her feelings take over. She needed to stay rational, do her job, and just go.

Now the She-Believes-Cup is over though. Now she is back in Portland in her apartment and doesn’t have practice until the afternoon. She had busied herself with unpacking her suitcase but it became very apparent to her that now was the time she’d usually go to have avo toast and coffee with Sonnett before going to practice together. She couldn’t do that today. She also couldn’t do that tomorrow, next week, or next month. She could never do that again. She feels numb. Sonnett had left. If she went to her apartment down the street, she’d probably find a stranger there.

So she goes to their favorite brunch place alone. She sits at their table and has to tell the server that she doesn’t want their usual order but just one toast and her iced coffee.

Today, the toast tastes bland and the coffee doesn’t give her the energy she needs. She looks at the other people going about their day. She wants to scream. Why does nobody acknowledge the significance of this day? Why does nobody stop and notice that something has changed? Why does nobody feel different about all of this? Why could nobody see how miserable she is on her own?

It hurts. It really hurts. And then she shoves those thoughts away because feeling numb is better than feeling pain.

-

She gets to practice early and alone for the first time in four years. She is already on the pitch, shooting on goal, when some of the staff comes out to set up. She is concentrated and mostly quiet during practice. She talks when she’s asked something or when it is about tactics. Other than that, she keeps to herself. She has one of the best practices in the four years she’s been with the Thorns now, Mark tells her afterwards. She doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want to think about it.

She doesn’t take a shower after practice at the stadium to get home as fast as possible. To get as far away from her happy teammates as she can. Her phone buzzes with a text from Ellie asking her to get dinner with her and Hailey. She declines and tries to concentrate on the episode of Grey’s that is currently playing. Tobin calls her but she doesn’t answer. Instead she snuggles deeper in her (Sonnett’s) hoodie and stops herself from checking Instagram. She waits for a text or a call from the other end of the country that never comes. She doesn’t text or call either.

They have an early practice the next day. She is very thankful for that, she couldn’t have gotten brunch by herself again. With the early practice, she just needs to get up, drink a smoothie, and go to the training grounds. Nothing too hard and nothing out of the ordinary in this routine.

Except maybe the car-ride she now spends alone.

She doesn’t turn on any music. She doesn’t have any playlists of her own and can’t listen to any of the usual playlists.

She spends practice that day and the following days like she did the first day: focused, with no time or head-space for shenanigans.

She thinks that maybe things will get better or at least easier when the season starts. When she really needs to be focused on soccer and nothing else.

-

A week after they got back from their national team duties, Tobin corners her after practice. The older player practically demands to have dinner together. She tries and fails to get out of it. They have a day off tomorrow, there really is no reason to not hang out. But she only wants to get back to her couch, put something on TV she has seen a hundred times and doesn’t need to focus on, and be left in peace. She doesn’t want any more social interaction than she already had that day. It was exhausting enough to go to practice and talk to her teammates. She feels drained after all of it. Tobin knows her too well though and doesn’t allow her to go home first. Tobin makes her shower at the stadium and tells her to leave her car there and pick it up later. When she sits in Tobin’s car she knows there really isn’t a way to get out of dinner. At least it’s only the two of them.

She makes small talk for the first couple of minutes and talks about soccer. Until Tobin tells her to cut the crap and tell her how she really feels. How she feels without her best friend there. If she texted Sonny after her first training session with Orlando. What she thinks about all of it. If she’ll do anything about her feelings for her best friend.

Her mind goes blank at all the questions. She tries to answer but doesn’t find the words. How is she supposed to explain the numbness that’s been taking over? She tries to tell Tobin that she’ll be fine and just needs some time to adjust to the change. She can see that Tobin doesn’t believe her but thankfully they drop the subject anyway.

When she gets into bed that night she thinks about journaling about her feelings like her therapist in Paris had told her. Maybe it’ll help to get it out somehow. She still can’t find the words to describe how she’s feeling. She texts Rose and asks for a funny video of Wilma. She hopes that’ll take her mind off her talk with Tobin and everything surrounding it.

The video has the desired affect for a whole of five seconds.

She lays there and feels dramatic over all of it. At least she still has her life in Portland, her club, and her friends. She isn’t the one that had to uproot her life and move across the country. She can still go to all of their places. Sonnett can’t. Sonnett is in a new city, new team, new apartment. Without her. But for Sonnett it’s probably exciting. Getting to know everyone better, having their other national teammates there, decorating the new apartment. Everything is new and exciting. For her everything around her stayed the same but isn’t exciting anymore without Sonnett there. Somehow everything looks the same but doesn’t _feel_ the same. Nothing is as it was without her best friend. Her best friends she has undeniable feelings for. It’s too late for those now. She missed her chance when Sonnett got traded.

-

She stays in bed the next day. When she tries to fall asleep again sometimes during the afternoon, she notices that her hoodie doesn’t smell like Sonnett anymore. She suddenly feels even worse. She’s afraid that she’ll forget how Sonnett smells. She’s even more afraid that she won’t get another piece of clothing that smells like her.

She forces herself out of bed in the evening to eat something. Her body needs food and she doesn’t want her career to suffer, too. There is a knock on her door that she chooses to ignore. Tobin will hopefully get the message that she wants to be left alone.

The knocking doesn’t stop. She rolls her eyes, takes a look at herself, decides she is presentable enough for Tobin, and gets the door.

She isn’t prepared to open her door to Emily Sonnett. Her Sonny, who she had last seen only a couple of days ago but who had last been to Portland before Christmas. Her Sonny, who should be in Orlando and not on her doorstep. Her Sonny, who looks at her with the softest of smiles.


	2. Emily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily's point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did the first "chapter" as a one-shot with the concept of no dialogue. I wanted to keep that style through-out the whole story which was difficult to write at times.

She had been able to find an apartment in Orlando before the She-Believes-Cup started when they were there for the first game. Now the cup had ended and she hadn’t gotten on a plane to Portland with Tobin and Lindsey. Instead, she had gotten on a plane to Orlando with Ali and Ash. It felt foreign.

Ali and Ash have been doing everything they could to make her feel as good as possible about her trade. Right after she had told them they had made a point of spending more time with her, talking about being traded and her new club to her. Ali had made a point of practicing together with her more, both of them leaving their usual cycles at the national team. She truly felt welcomed by them and was grateful to have them in Orlando. And Alex, too. Since she wasn’t with them in camp, Alex had texted her as soon as possible and even tweeted about her excitement. Alex had told her that she’d be back in Orlando soon, wanting to give birth there, and that she’d be happy about any distraction she can get. She had offered to show her around and help her to get settled in.

They all could probably sense that she wasn’t too pleased about the trade but who was thrilled about a trade they didn’t ask for? So, she tried and still tries to make the best out of it.

When her stuff gets shipped to her new apartment she makes it as homey as she can. The familiarity of her decorations and furniture helps but can’t change the fact that everything feels out of place in a way. Those things had belonged to her apartment in Portland and even though they were hers they somehow didn’t seem to fit in this apartment in Orlando. Maybe those things didn’t belong to Orlando at all. Maybe she didn’t belong to Orlando.

-

Ash and Ali pick her up for her first practice. They claim to do it because she doesn’t know her way around yet. She knows they just want to make sure she’s alright. They talk about the upcoming season and their plans with the team and how the roster changes will impact the team.

Her first training session is good. The team seems thrilled to have her there and her personality certainly fits in with her new teammates. It helps that she knows so many of them already. Although, Marta scares her a bit, just like Sincy had scared her at first.

She knows she shouldn’t start to compare the two teams; knows it’s not fair to either team. She can’t help it though. She never knew another team than the Thorns during her professional career having been lucky enough to stay with the same team for several years. Until now.

She goes out to eat with Ash, Ali, Alex, and Syd that night. Their dynamic is different from her usual group of friends, since they are all in another phase of life than her. All married, with kids or at least thinking about kids. She feels like the younger sister hanging out with the cool older sister and her friends. They make sure to include her in the conversation as much as they can and she truly appreciates them for everything they’re doing. It just feels so different. When Alex asks about her first day with the Pride she gets lost in her thoughts for a second, thinking about how different her day had been compared to her usual day of practice in Portland.

She didn’t go out with Lindsey to get Avocado toast and coffee before practice.

She wasn’t riding shotgun in Lindsey’s car to practice.

They weren’t listening to a playlist she had made just for those car rides.

She didn’t get to practice with only 10 minutes to spare, having to rush.

She didn’t crack a joke every five minutes, making everyone laugh and roll their eyes.

She didn’t go over to Lindsey’s apartment afterwards to cook together or get some crappy take-out.

Instead Ali and Ash picked her up in their car and she obviously sat in the back-seat. They listened to the radio and got to practice 45 minutes early to talk to some staff and get ready. For her standards, she was very quiet during practice, needing to find her place in the team and feeling them out first. And then after practice the others had had taken her out to eat.

She smiles and tells Alex that she had a great day and feels good about the season. When Alex only cocks her eyebrow at her, she also tells her that she needs to get used to everything and that it’ll probably take her awhile.

-

Later, when she lays in her old bed in her new apartment she lets herself breath and think for the first time that day. It was good to keep busy, it just didn’t stop her mind to find ways to still remember Portland all the time. To remember all her friends she left behind, the club she still held dearly to her heart, their achievements as a team, and the growth she went through in her four years as a Thorn.

She thinks about her friend group that is now all split-up. She misses the Aussies, she misses Tobin even more, although they just saw each other. Most of all she misses Lindsey though.

She knows she missed her chance. Between all the times Lindsey got back together with her ex and their busy job, there was never the right time to talk to Lindsey about her feelings. Then again, there probably never is the _right_ time. She knows that she spent too much time waiting. Waiting for Lindsey to stay single for a certain amount of time, waiting that Lindsey was ready to be confronted with her feelings, waiting for bravery to hit her, waiting for anything she could find. Their friendship had slowly evolved into something a little more than just best friends. Nothing tangible had changed over the last couple of months but something had shifted between them since they had gotten back from the world cup. So, now she lays in her bed on the other end of the country and wonders if Lindsey had felt that shift, too. Wonders why Lindsey hadn’t done anything if she indeed had felt that shift. Wonders if she wants Lindsey to have felt that shift because she can deal with her feelings when everything seems like a faraway possibility – more like a concept really – but right now anything more than that seems too much.

She checks her phone for any new messages and finds one from Tobin, asking how her first practice went. No messages from Lindsey though.

She explores the area around her apartment during the next couple of days whenever she is not at practice. She lets Alex take her out for lunch one day and goes to see Syd’s kids on another. She knows she needs to stay busy for now and find the fun in the trade and her new home. And she genuinely enjoys practice, the team, and especially her friends. She thinks they are still trying too hard to include her sometimes but she can’t thank them enough for trying to make the move as seamless as possible.

Still, at night she lays in her bed and always finds herself thinking about Portland and Lindsey. She wonders what Lindsey is doing at this moment and is disappointed at the prospect of having to take the time difference into account. One evening the thought of Lindsey having dinner right now as she is having dinner gives her some comfort. Then she remembers that it’s only 4 pm in Portland and Lindsey is definitely at practice and not having dinner. She seeks comfort in a Thorns sweatshirt, that is too big on her and has a ‘10’ on the back, instead. It is still so warm in her apartment that she starts sweating almost right away though. She doesn’t take the sweatshirt off.

It bothers her that she and Lindsey haven’t had any kind of contact since they said good-bye after the She-Believes-Cup. But Lindsey is probably really busy and fell right back into her routine in Portland. She knows Lindsey is determined to make the Olympics roster so she probably trains a lot right now and doesn’t find the time to text or call. So maybe it’s better to not have any contact at the moment. She figures it’s good that she isn’t a source of distraction in Lindsey’s way to the Olympics.

She still wanted to text Lindsey multiple times during the last couple of days. She lost count of how many texts she wrote and then deleted. She wants to tell Lindsey that she misses her but that might be too much. She wants to tell Lindsey that she wishes she was in Portland with her but that might be too much. She wants to tell Lindsey that nothing feels right in Orlando without her but that might be too much. She wants to tell Lindsey that she loves her but that _would_ be too much. So, she doesn’t text Lindsey to not say the wrong thing. She doesn’t want to be a burden or a distraction just because she can’t deal with herself.

-

She goes over to Ash’s and Ali’s house one evening at the end of the week because they are having team-bonding. After dinner, she gets a couple of texts from Tobin that she doesn’t read. She’s having a good time with her new teammates and doesn’t want to think about Portland right now, she can deal with that later or even in the morning.

It turns out that she can’t deal with it later when Alex gets a call from Tobin. She sits next to Alex and hears her end of the conversation. After listening for a while, Alex tells Tobin that she is with her right now, that they have a team-meeting tomorrow in the morning but that they don’t have anything scheduled for the day after tomorrow. With a glance at her, Alex tells Tobin that she will drive her and asks if she already got a ticket.

When Alex finally hangs up she looks at her disappointedly. Her ears start ringing as Alex tells her that Lindsey’s taking her trade and not talking to her very hard, that Tobin thinks she might be on her way into a depression, and that their resolution is to get her on a plane to Portland tomorrow right after the team-meeting.

Her ears are still ringing when she lays in her bed later. She knows now would be the time to text Lindsey and ask her how she’s doing. Maybe call her and just have a normal conversation with her. Something is still holding her back. Maybe it’s the ringing in her ears, maybe it’s the little voice in her head that tells her Lindsey hadn’t felt that shift between them. Maybe it’s the disappointment in herself that she still managed to be a distraction for Lindsey even from far away.

Her ears only stop ringing when Lindsey finally opens her door the next day. Lindsey is dressed in her UVA hoodie, she looks tired and worn-out and shocked. But when she smiles at her, Lindsey smiles right back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third, and final, chapter is almost done as well!


	3. Lindsey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily's finally made it to Portland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the last chapter. As I said before, setting myself up to not write dialogue in this story was a major challenge. Especially in this chapter because they need to talk at some point, don't they? Here's how that turned out.

At the sight of Emily’s smile, she involuntarily smiles back. It’s always been like this: if Emily smiles she can’t help but smile, too. It’s infectious. She closes the door in Emily’s face after that. It’s a reflex as well. She doesn’t know how to deal with her feelings, so she tries to escape them. After a couple of seconds, she shakes her head and reopens the door. Sonnett looks relieved but scared as well. This time, she lets her in.

She can’t believe Emily is in Portland, let alone in her apartment. She stares at her in disbelieve while Emily gets rid of her shoes. What is she doing here? Why is she here? And how? Doesn’t she have practice tomorrow? But most importantly, why is she here?

Sonnett turns around and looks at her questioningly. She then opens her mouth to say something but she stops her. She doesn’t want Emily to make small talk or crack a stupid joke. When they are going to talk, they are going to make it count. So, she just shakes her head and ushers her into the kitchen where she was cooking a late dinner. She has so many questions swimming in her head but she can’t voice them. Everything feels too much and not enough at the same time. She is at a loss for words and Emily now seems to be in the same state.

It should feel so normal to have Sonnett in her apartment. Her Sonny, who has been in this apartment so often she might as well have moved in. But it doesn’t feel normal. Nothing feels normal. Nothing has been normal for a week now. Emily’s absence has been so clear that her sudden appearance feels weird to her. She wishes it wouldn’t.

She knows they need to talk about the reason Sonnett came to Portland. They also need talk about how they both have been feeling and why there hasn’t been any contact between them for a week. She wants the answers to all of her questions but she is afraid she has to give some answers in return. She doesn’t feel ready to talk about her week. She knows Emily can look right through her if she told her she was fine. She doesn’t think she is ready for that conversation. Because how does she tell her that she’s been falling apart without Sonnett here? She can’t tell her that, that sounds pathetic.

-

They eat in silence, just watching TV, still neither of them ready to talk. They sit on opposite ends of her couch. They never sat that way. Sonnett had always found a way into her space, annoying her one way or another.

She washes the dishes while Emily dries them, like they always do. Did.

It hurts her to fall back into their little routines when she knows Emily doesn’t live here anymore. These routines give her a false sense of comfort and normality when none of this is normal. She feels like crying while she watches Sonnett move around her kitchen like it’s her own, like she never left. When she actually feels tears forming in the corners of her eyes, she quickly turns around and busies herself with getting them drinks. She wouldn’t want Emily to see those tears, she wouldn’t have the words to explain them.

-

They move back into the living room afterwards. They sit on the couch awkwardly and still too far away from each other for a while. Both still not sure what to say and how to say anything. She tries to watch the Grey’s episode that is now playing but can’t concentrate on it. Why isn’t Emily saying anything? There must be a reason as to why she is in Portland. She must know what to say, she had a six-hour flight to prepare for being in her apartment again. Emily wasn’t surprised by this visit, she should certainly know what to say beyond “hi”. She tries to sneak a look at the other girl, only to find her already staring back. She holds her gaze for a while, unable to move her eyes anywhere else than Emily’s face. She shakes her head and gets up to do something, anything, the air getting too tense for her.

When she passes by Sonnett, her hand shoots out and grabs her wrist, stopping her from walking further away. She inhales sharply when Emily stands up and comes face to face with her.

She feels Emily’s lips on her own before it registered with her mind that she was even leaning in. Emily pulls back from the soft kiss for a second to look at her, to make sure she’s fine. She cups Emily’s face and pulls her close again. Their second kiss is much more desperate, all the bottled-up emotions coming into play. Emily pushes into her and she happily lets the other girl take the lead and slow down the kiss. She’s hyper-aware of the hand on her waist that travels down to her hip. Emily’s thumb finds its way under the hem of her hoodie and presses into her skin. At that contact, she softly groans into Emily’s mouth and the pressure of the thumb increases. She feels her knees weaken, to steady herself she curls her hand around Emily’s bicep. Her other hand is still cupping Emily’s cheek, caressing the skin.

When they pull back, Emily lets out a quiet sigh before she opens her eyes. Emily has never been more beautiful to her. Cheeks flushed, lips slightly swollen, eyes big and vulnerable, and smiling softly up to her. She gets lost in the moment and kisses Emily again, making sure it wasn’t just a dream. They break their kiss when they both start smiling too much and then Emily giggles right into her mouth. She isn’t sure there is a better feeling than that.

She knows they still need to talk about everything. She knows that she still lives in Portland while Emily lives in Orlando and that there’s around 3,000 miles or six hours on a plane between the cities. And a three hour time-difference. But she also knows that they are both on the same page. She feels lighter than she has felt in weeks or months even. To be able to kiss Emily like that, to be kissed by Emily, feels right.

-

They are cuddling in her bed later that night, Emily’s head on her shoulder. She grabs Emily’s hand that was resting on her stomach and smiles at how perfect the smaller hand fits into her own. Emily’s talking about her new city and her teammates. About a café that Alex had shown her a couple of days ago that she wants to show her. Emily is also making plans for their future together. A future that includes visits on bye-weeks, playing in each other’s cities and extending those visits, rooming together for national team camps, getting their training schedules to work so they can facetime during the week. Emily starts to include bigger plans like going on vacation together after the Olympics, telling their families, shared holidays and a shared off-season in one of their hometowns or maybe _their_ home of Portland. She listens to Emily’s cute rambling, watches Emily as she speaks, how her face lights up a little more with each sentence, with each new idea. She wants to feel the same excitement but her fears are creeping up on her. She feels bad for having doubts at all and then having to voice them. She ponders about the distance and how they’d be able to figure out how to be a couple if they aren’t together. She questions what this step means for their jobs, for their concentration, for the upcoming Olympics. She doesn’t question if it’d be worth it because she knows if they try, it will absolutely be worth it.

She watches Emily’s face fall a little when she ends her little speech. She feels guilty to rain on her parade like this but she knows someone has to be rational about it. Emily asks her if she sees an alternative to being together and at first, she doesn’t get it. They lay there together, she’s still stroking Emily’s hand and pulls her as close as she can with her other arm. Emily lets her take the time she needs to think it through.

It begins to dawn on her after a couple of minutes of silence. The alternative of being together is not being together, obviously. And not being together but continuing like the last week is not an option, it had made her miserable. Not being together had made her feel empty and numb and not like herself. She knows she can’t keep feeling like that for much longer. She rationally knows that she doesn’t _need_ Emily, she won’t make her well-being dependent on another person. But she is happier with Emily by her side – physically or emotionally – than without her. The last week or so has shown her that much. And why make herself feel miserable if she doesn’t need to? Why not try and be happy with Emily?

She looks at Emily, who is already looking at her with a smile in her eyes and a cocked eyebrow. She tries to find any hint of doubt in them and in her in Emily’s face. Any reason why she shouldn’t also believe that they will be good, better, together. Seeing and feeling Emily convinced of them, convinced that they can do this makes her feel like they are actually able to do this.

She cups Emily’s face and kisses her.


End file.
